The Pennsylvania Shelter for Homeless Fruitcakes
(Fruitcakes like the bready bricks full of jellied somethings, nuts & raisins. Not fruitcakes like your wacky Uncle Wally from Toledo.)
Every year, tons of healthy, hopeful fruitcakes -- all with limitless potential and shining futures -- are lost.
Is it overcrowding? Is there a fruitcake population crisis? Should we perhaps extend the Fruitcake hunting season to compensate?
Is there a universal misunderstanding about how to appreciate a fruitcake? Are the mindless sheep in this world afraid of fruitcakes because they don't understand them? Should we educate the masses? National Fruitcake Awareness Month?
Or are there genuinely a few truly bad fruitcakes out there, ruining public opinion for the rest of them? Maybe a fruitcake public awareness campaign through the media would help? Maybe some positive, human-interest stories in the news to counterpoint all the negative press they receive?
Regardless of the long term solution, we have an answer to the short term fruitcake fiasco right here at The Pennsylvania Shelter for Homeless Fruitcakes. This holiday season, when you are blessed by a visit from the Fruitcake Fairy, think twice before chucking that innocent little brick. Don't waste a fruitcakes special talents by using it as a doorstop, holding down a tarp with it, or using it to do bicep curls on your weight bench. And please don't regift the helpless cake. Nothing is as traumatic to a pastry as to drift from home to home, never feeling wanted, never getting the care a cake deserves.
Send your unwanted or neglected fruitcakes to us, via Parcel Post (don't forget to tell them it's perishable!) and rest in the knowledge that you made a positive change in the life -- however short -- of very special fruitcake. It takes a special pallet of skills and experience, and it takes a special kind of taste for the unique to properly care for the fruitcakes of the world. And that's just what our non-profit organization offers.
So remember: Friends don't let friends regift fruitcakes.
Every year, tons of healthy, hopeful fruitcakes -- all with limitless potential and shining futures -- are lost.
Is it overcrowding? Is there a fruitcake population crisis? Should we perhaps extend the Fruitcake hunting season to compensate?
Is there a universal misunderstanding about how to appreciate a fruitcake? Are the mindless sheep in this world afraid of fruitcakes because they don't understand them? Should we educate the masses? National Fruitcake Awareness Month?
Or are there genuinely a few truly bad fruitcakes out there, ruining public opinion for the rest of them? Maybe a fruitcake public awareness campaign through the media would help? Maybe some positive, human-interest stories in the news to counterpoint all the negative press they receive?
Regardless of the long term solution, we have an answer to the short term fruitcake fiasco right here at The Pennsylvania Shelter for Homeless Fruitcakes. This holiday season, when you are blessed by a visit from the Fruitcake Fairy, think twice before chucking that innocent little brick. Don't waste a fruitcakes special talents by using it as a doorstop, holding down a tarp with it, or using it to do bicep curls on your weight bench. And please don't regift the helpless cake. Nothing is as traumatic to a pastry as to drift from home to home, never feeling wanted, never getting the care a cake deserves.
Send your unwanted or neglected fruitcakes to us, via Parcel Post (don't forget to tell them it's perishable!) and rest in the knowledge that you made a positive change in the life -- however short -- of very special fruitcake. It takes a special pallet of skills and experience, and it takes a special kind of taste for the unique to properly care for the fruitcakes of the world. And that's just what our non-profit organization offers.
So remember: Friends don't let friends regift fruitcakes.
posted by Chris at
9:16 PM
1 Comments:
Merry (belated) Christmas to you and your family!
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